-- By Aravinth K.
Despite being a complex person, my mother ("Amma" in Tamil) lived, loved and expressed love that touched everyone from a baby to an octogenarian in a simple way. In our entire family, Amma transcended cultural norms in establishing an immediate connection which was beyond being friendly. How did she do it?
When talking about Amma's love for all of us, I have to refer to her role models and her relationship with them. My father ("Appa" in Tamil) often said that a certain amount of who you are in life has got to do with who you pick as role models in life. I agree, but with an adage of my own. Who you pick as role models are most effective when you share a close relationship with those roles models - a mutually reciprocal love and affection.
There is a quote that we (my wife Priya and I) use often: "People do not care how much you know till they know how much you care". I think Amma could just sense this from VERY early on with Tirupur Ayyan (my mother's paternal grand uncle) and Amuchi (my maternal grandmother).
An incident in mid-January of 2015, during the last stage of her illness, illustrated the kind of all encompassing parental love she had even during the most trying times. She was struggling to drink the ayurvedic ("Ottamooli") medicine after lunch. It was very bitter. I was telling her various techniques of how she could be maybe ignore the aftertaste, such as by holding some honey in her mouth. She got frustrated with me and told me that unless I go through it how could I talk about it. I challenged her that I could drink a mug of it without honey right there before her. At once she panicked in the fear that I would act on it and subject myself to it. She drank the medicine and kept it down in that instance, knowing that I would not have to try it. To me, this small act defined her sacrificial love for her sons and her husband.
The greatest testament of unconditional love is the sheer magnitude and selfless nature of such love in being able to focus on the well-being of others while going through personal torture. Amma illustrated that time and again with us, with our cousin sister, with her nurses, and with EVERY single visitor during her last few months. I saw her focus moving from her condition to their current affairs, well-being and family on numerous occasions.
The second greatest testament of her loving example is her duplicating herself through our family and our extended family. My Amma's biggest duplicator is without question my brother. The obvious traits are the intense intelligence, academic ability, cleanliness, detail-oriented organization, ability for close and quick forming relationships with kindred spirits, Agape love for son (Appa called him 'Thayumanavan' - father capable of motherly love!) and a completely non-judgmental attitude that even outshines Amma.
Even more challenging was the influence she had on my dad - vegetarianism (less challenging for him) to actual less sweet intake and healthier food habits, pushing him further than his comfort level on long walks and her crowning achievement of his going from no prayer to meditating for others and following some rituals just out of sheer respect for her. To earn the love of a spouse is easier than to earn their respect in my books. Amma not only earned Appa's respect for her early, but she did it in spectacular fashion as a parent, wife, social companion, and as a working professional.
I honestly feel that when Amma sent us to the US, she got an opportunity to envelope more people with her Agape Love. She had an opportunity to know and understand Appa and influence him more. I do not think anyone on this earth is created to show compassion and affection to a select few. It would have been a crime and extremely selfish for only our immediate family to have experienced the full width and depth of Amma's generous and unconditional love.
I would like to finish with this thought. Amma's constant wish for her sons was "ஈன்ற பொழுதினும் பெரிதுவக்கும் தன் மகனைச் சான்றோன் எனக்கேட்ட தாய்" (a mother feels more joyous when she hears the world praise her son as wise and good than when she gave birth to him). There have been some small instances when I have been able to show my Amma glimpses of that. My daily prayer as I see this quote in my mind's eye everyday is that, in addition to this, her legacy of unconditional love and compassion for all lives on through us.
When Mahatma Gandhi was once asked what would be the one message that you would share with all the world, his simple answer was, "My life is my message". Simply put, Amma's message to the world among many things was her love and the ability to express the same.
Despite being a complex person, my mother ("Amma" in Tamil) lived, loved and expressed love that touched everyone from a baby to an octogenarian in a simple way. In our entire family, Amma transcended cultural norms in establishing an immediate connection which was beyond being friendly. How did she do it?
- A genuine and compassionate interest in the other person.
- 'Listening is Loving' - To listen is to love.
- Sharing from her heart about her family, mainly about her sons and their childhood, and connecting with people on the basis of her sincerity versus just her ability to relate.
When talking about Amma's love for all of us, I have to refer to her role models and her relationship with them. My father ("Appa" in Tamil) often said that a certain amount of who you are in life has got to do with who you pick as role models in life. I agree, but with an adage of my own. Who you pick as role models are most effective when you share a close relationship with those roles models - a mutually reciprocal love and affection.
There is a quote that we (my wife Priya and I) use often: "People do not care how much you know till they know how much you care". I think Amma could just sense this from VERY early on with Tirupur Ayyan (my mother's paternal grand uncle) and Amuchi (my maternal grandmother).
An incident in mid-January of 2015, during the last stage of her illness, illustrated the kind of all encompassing parental love she had even during the most trying times. She was struggling to drink the ayurvedic ("Ottamooli") medicine after lunch. It was very bitter. I was telling her various techniques of how she could be maybe ignore the aftertaste, such as by holding some honey in her mouth. She got frustrated with me and told me that unless I go through it how could I talk about it. I challenged her that I could drink a mug of it without honey right there before her. At once she panicked in the fear that I would act on it and subject myself to it. She drank the medicine and kept it down in that instance, knowing that I would not have to try it. To me, this small act defined her sacrificial love for her sons and her husband.
The greatest testament of unconditional love is the sheer magnitude and selfless nature of such love in being able to focus on the well-being of others while going through personal torture. Amma illustrated that time and again with us, with our cousin sister, with her nurses, and with EVERY single visitor during her last few months. I saw her focus moving from her condition to their current affairs, well-being and family on numerous occasions.
The second greatest testament of her loving example is her duplicating herself through our family and our extended family. My Amma's biggest duplicator is without question my brother. The obvious traits are the intense intelligence, academic ability, cleanliness, detail-oriented organization, ability for close and quick forming relationships with kindred spirits, Agape love for son (Appa called him 'Thayumanavan' - father capable of motherly love!) and a completely non-judgmental attitude that even outshines Amma.
Even more challenging was the influence she had on my dad - vegetarianism (less challenging for him) to actual less sweet intake and healthier food habits, pushing him further than his comfort level on long walks and her crowning achievement of his going from no prayer to meditating for others and following some rituals just out of sheer respect for her. To earn the love of a spouse is easier than to earn their respect in my books. Amma not only earned Appa's respect for her early, but she did it in spectacular fashion as a parent, wife, social companion, and as a working professional.
I honestly feel that when Amma sent us to the US, she got an opportunity to envelope more people with her Agape Love. She had an opportunity to know and understand Appa and influence him more. I do not think anyone on this earth is created to show compassion and affection to a select few. It would have been a crime and extremely selfish for only our immediate family to have experienced the full width and depth of Amma's generous and unconditional love.
I would like to finish with this thought. Amma's constant wish for her sons was "ஈன்ற பொழுதினும் பெரிதுவக்கும் தன் மகனைச் சான்றோன் எனக்கேட்ட தாய்" (a mother feels more joyous when she hears the world praise her son as wise and good than when she gave birth to him). There have been some small instances when I have been able to show my Amma glimpses of that. My daily prayer as I see this quote in my mind's eye everyday is that, in addition to this, her legacy of unconditional love and compassion for all lives on through us.
When Mahatma Gandhi was once asked what would be the one message that you would share with all the world, his simple answer was, "My life is my message". Simply put, Amma's message to the world among many things was her love and the ability to express the same.
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