Into the Maelstrom

  -- By Arulnambi K.

Amma was only 4 feet and 7 inches tall, physically frail even when she was young, and generally not an example of what a rugged and healthy physique would be. In 2010, when she was 63, she was diagnosed with colon cancer. She kept the news of her ailment very private and only a few people knew about it. She did not want to attract fuss and attention, and thought that she would feel sicker if people kept calling or visiting to see how she was doing. Cancer treatment is generally grueling, to say the least, but she went through two rounds of it in the next three years. She once told me that it was sheer willpower and not physical strength that got her through two surgeries in two years followed by several rounds of adjuvant chemotherapy. She had only my father by her side through most of this treatment.

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வாழ்வின் எல்லை இதுதானோ?

பேரனின் பிறந்த நாள்
மகனின் பிறந்த நாள்
மனம் மகிழ்ந்தது
உடல்?

பகலா இரவா தெரியவில்லை
உணவும் நீரும் பிடிக்கவில்லை
படுக்கையா இருக்கையா தெரியவில்லை
கனவா நனவா புரியவில்லை
மனிதர்கள் கண்ணுக்குத் தெரியவில்லை
குரல்கள் எதுவும் கேட்கவில்லை
சுற்றுச் சூழல் உணரவில்லை
உறக்கமும் விழிப்பும் அறியவில்லை
வலியும் குமட்டலும் பிரதானம்
வாழ்வின் எல்லை இதுதானோ?

Is this the edge of life?

Grandson’s birthday...
Son’s birthday...
The mind rejoices.
The body?

Day or night, I know not
Food and water, I hate
Bed or seat, I know not
Dream or reality, I cannot discern
Humans, I do not see
Voices, I do not hear
Surroundings, I cannot feel
Sleep and waking, I know not
Pain and nausea permeate.
Is this the edge of life?

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Last year (2014), Amma's cancer was back, and she knew it. She skipped her regular schedule of medical checkups with her surgeon and oncologist, knowing that she could not go through yet another round of treatment. She had decided not to seek treatment if the cancer came back again, but kept her condition and this decision to herself. As the pain started and she weakened steadily as the year progressed, she was able to anticipate her end months in advance. As she was wont to do, Amma started to plan for it to the extent that she could. She went into her twilight not wanting to trouble her loved ones, but with courage, dignity and a pained melancholy which will linger in my mind forever. 

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​வலியும் வேதனையும்

வலிகளைத் தாங்கித் தாங்கி வாடிப் போனது உடல்
வேதனைகளைச் சுமந்து வெற்றிடமானது மனம்
என் வலிகளும் வேதனைகளும் என்னோடு போகட்டும்
என் குடும்பம் நலம் பெற்று வாழட்டும்.

Pain and Suffering

The body wilts from bearing all the pain
The mind has become barren from bearing the suffering
Let my pains and sufferings depart with me
Let my family be blessed and live well.

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In December 2014, I happened to go to India to deal with an emergency at work, and got to visit my parents. Amma's condition was a jolt. I decided to go back to India on family medical leave within two weeks. I went back just before Christmas, and thus started the most turbulent and momentous three months of my life.

[ This series of essays is a meditation on the last days of my mother's life and the blessed time I was able to spend taking care of her. It seeks to shine a light on the last days of a great soul - on lessons learned, health, family, relationships, love and hardship. ]

[ The above Tamil poems were written by Amma sometime in 2014. English translations are included here as well. ]