-- By Arulnambi K.
Everyone who knew Amma was amazed by her love for her children and her passion for parenting. To say that my brother and I were fortunate to have a mother like her would be the understatement of the century. It was impossible not to learn some tenets of good parenting from Amma, as she lived those tenets daily with us while we were growing up. Here are three of the most important principles of purposeful parenting that I learned from Amma. These may seem obvious, but can be extremely hard to adhere to. Amma's unique quality as a person, not just as a parent, was that she stayed true to her passions and principles diligently and doggedly, no matter the circumstances that challenged her. It was this quality of hers that made these precepts of purposeful parenting stand out all the more prominently to anyone who knew her well.
Everyone who knew Amma was amazed by her love for her children and her passion for parenting. To say that my brother and I were fortunate to have a mother like her would be the understatement of the century. It was impossible not to learn some tenets of good parenting from Amma, as she lived those tenets daily with us while we were growing up. Here are three of the most important principles of purposeful parenting that I learned from Amma. These may seem obvious, but can be extremely hard to adhere to. Amma's unique quality as a person, not just as a parent, was that she stayed true to her passions and principles diligently and doggedly, no matter the circumstances that challenged her. It was this quality of hers that made these precepts of purposeful parenting stand out all the more prominently to anyone who knew her well.
Show love for your children and passion for parenting
Love your children. So obvious, right? But how many people take the love of their parents or their children for granted? Or fail to show that love at appropriate times and regret it later, sometimes only after someone's gone from this world? Amma showered us with her love, and showed it in so many ways big and small that it was something my brother and I clearly perceived even at a very young age. Her love was not shown just by attending to our needs. She went far beyond what could be considered necessary, for instance, in terms of our nutritional needs. She researched nutrition, talked to her friends and colleagues, and came up with new and different foods to try. Once, she learned that washing grapes with a potassium permanganate and water solution would help remove pesticides. Suddenly, washing grapes became a small chemical experiment. Taking a shortcut to save time was not an option if it meant compromising something she felt was important to her as a parent. In those days, with no Internet or easy access to information, she still found out what she needed to know by being inquisitive and willing to listen. Food, shelter, clothing, education, even exercise and recreation - she anticipated our evolving needs in these areas as we grew and was always well prepared to meet them.
Amma's love for her children drove her passion for the daily duties of parenting. Whatever was her physical and mental state of the day, she did not allow it to come between us and what we needed from her. Her parenting was passionate and purposeful. The purpose was not just to feed, clothe and shelter us and give us an education. Her goals were higher. She wanted her children to grow into responsible and upstanding human beings, and sought to cultivate her values and morality in us.
Treat all your children equally
Amma was religious about treating both her sons equally. If one was given an opportunity, or if she did something for one, she went to great lengths to ensure that the other was given the same opportunity, attention or whatever it was she had done for the first. She had a tremendous sense of fairness, and wanted to be fair to us individually by offering each of us the same love and attention. It seemed that she considered this to be the most important thing in parenting multiple children. Beyond her sense of fairness, she was subconsciously working to prevent any future feelings of injustice, inequality, envy or resentment among her children which would otherwise have be caused by the perception that one of us was favored by our parents over the other. She brought this up with our father at times too, and made sure that Appa held himself to the same high standard of fair and equal treatment of his children as well.
Appa liked to narrate the following example of Amma's equal treatment of her sons. After my brother was born, Amma had to go back to work after six months. She had been able to be a stay-home mother to me during my entire first year, affording me the precious gift of her breastmilk for most of that first year. She did not want Thambi to lose that. In those days, there were no other options, such as storage, for him to continue to get her breastmilk while she was at work during that important first year. So, Amma went back home during her lunch break in college, taking multiple buses across town, to make sure that he continued to drink and her supply did not diminish. After he had his fill, she returned to the college, and repeated the trip back home at the end of the day. She kept this up for the rest of his first year.
Foster love and sharing among your children
Growing up, nothing was just mine or just my brother's. Amma made sure we never thought of material things as individual belongings. It was OUR comic book collection, OUR room, OUR video games. We learned to share such things equally at a very young age. It seemed very fair. It avoided the sort of conflict, sibling rivalry and fights that sometimes continued well into adulthood and destroyed family unities. Not only did Amma severely disapprove if either of us unfairly started even a verbal argument, she and Appa appreciated both of us for being so united and avoiding quarrels. My parents showed this appreciation in front of everyone, calling us their "Ram and Lakshman" proudly, and stating that this made them happier than anything else. This appreciation, and the sharing that Amma inculcated at a very young age, ensured that our brotherly love, unity and understanding of each other would continue for the rest of our lives.
In her last will and testament, Amma stated, "I have treated both my sons as equal in every aspect and I am blessed to have such wonderful sons." This Mother's Day, and every other day, I reflect on Amma's love and her purposeful parenting, and feel evermore indebted to her for enshrouding me and my brother in her love, her values, her balance, and the resulting sense of security she brought to our lives as we grew up.
Read Purposeful Parenting - Part II, as imbibed from my father.
Love your children. So obvious, right? But how many people take the love of their parents or their children for granted? Or fail to show that love at appropriate times and regret it later, sometimes only after someone's gone from this world? Amma showered us with her love, and showed it in so many ways big and small that it was something my brother and I clearly perceived even at a very young age. Her love was not shown just by attending to our needs. She went far beyond what could be considered necessary, for instance, in terms of our nutritional needs. She researched nutrition, talked to her friends and colleagues, and came up with new and different foods to try. Once, she learned that washing grapes with a potassium permanganate and water solution would help remove pesticides. Suddenly, washing grapes became a small chemical experiment. Taking a shortcut to save time was not an option if it meant compromising something she felt was important to her as a parent. In those days, with no Internet or easy access to information, she still found out what she needed to know by being inquisitive and willing to listen. Food, shelter, clothing, education, even exercise and recreation - she anticipated our evolving needs in these areas as we grew and was always well prepared to meet them.
Amma's love for her children drove her passion for the daily duties of parenting. Whatever was her physical and mental state of the day, she did not allow it to come between us and what we needed from her. Her parenting was passionate and purposeful. The purpose was not just to feed, clothe and shelter us and give us an education. Her goals were higher. She wanted her children to grow into responsible and upstanding human beings, and sought to cultivate her values and morality in us.
Treat all your children equally
Amma was religious about treating both her sons equally. If one was given an opportunity, or if she did something for one, she went to great lengths to ensure that the other was given the same opportunity, attention or whatever it was she had done for the first. She had a tremendous sense of fairness, and wanted to be fair to us individually by offering each of us the same love and attention. It seemed that she considered this to be the most important thing in parenting multiple children. Beyond her sense of fairness, she was subconsciously working to prevent any future feelings of injustice, inequality, envy or resentment among her children which would otherwise have be caused by the perception that one of us was favored by our parents over the other. She brought this up with our father at times too, and made sure that Appa held himself to the same high standard of fair and equal treatment of his children as well.
Appa liked to narrate the following example of Amma's equal treatment of her sons. After my brother was born, Amma had to go back to work after six months. She had been able to be a stay-home mother to me during my entire first year, affording me the precious gift of her breastmilk for most of that first year. She did not want Thambi to lose that. In those days, there were no other options, such as storage, for him to continue to get her breastmilk while she was at work during that important first year. So, Amma went back home during her lunch break in college, taking multiple buses across town, to make sure that he continued to drink and her supply did not diminish. After he had his fill, she returned to the college, and repeated the trip back home at the end of the day. She kept this up for the rest of his first year.
Foster love and sharing among your children
Growing up, nothing was just mine or just my brother's. Amma made sure we never thought of material things as individual belongings. It was OUR comic book collection, OUR room, OUR video games. We learned to share such things equally at a very young age. It seemed very fair. It avoided the sort of conflict, sibling rivalry and fights that sometimes continued well into adulthood and destroyed family unities. Not only did Amma severely disapprove if either of us unfairly started even a verbal argument, she and Appa appreciated both of us for being so united and avoiding quarrels. My parents showed this appreciation in front of everyone, calling us their "Ram and Lakshman" proudly, and stating that this made them happier than anything else. This appreciation, and the sharing that Amma inculcated at a very young age, ensured that our brotherly love, unity and understanding of each other would continue for the rest of our lives.
In her last will and testament, Amma stated, "I have treated both my sons as equal in every aspect and I am blessed to have such wonderful sons." This Mother's Day, and every other day, I reflect on Amma's love and her purposeful parenting, and feel evermore indebted to her for enshrouding me and my brother in her love, her values, her balance, and the resulting sense of security she brought to our lives as we grew up.
Read Purposeful Parenting - Part II, as imbibed from my father.
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